We Pulled Our Son From School Mid-Year. Here’s What Homeschooling a PDA Kid Actually Looks Like.

There was a meeting. And in that meeting, the school sat across the table from me and explained, in professional language, that they were removing my son from his IEP. That they had determined he no longer qualified. That his behaviors — were not, in their assessment, interfering with his ability to access education.

I drove home and I cried. And then I started researching homeschool co-ops, because I knew before I got out of the parking lot that we were done.

If you’re reading this, you might be in that same place. The school system failed your kid — not because everyone in it is bad, but because it was not built for a nervous system like his. And now you’re staring at a blank calendar wondering what on earth you’re supposed to do with a PDA kid at home all day.

Here’s what I know now that I wish I had known then.

First: What It Means When the School Exits Your Child From His IEP

Schools can remove a child from an IEP if they determine the child no longer meets eligibility criteria. If this happened to your child, a few things are important to know:

• You had (or were owed) a meeting. The school is required to hold an IEP meeting before removing services and provide you with Prior Written Notice. If you didn’t get this in writing, request it immediately.
• You can dispute it. If you believe the exit was inappropriate, you have the right to request an independent educational evaluation (IEE) at the district’s expense and to pursue mediation or due process.
• Check the manifestation question. If your child’s behaviors were a factor in the exit decision — and they were — the school was required to determine whether those behaviors were a manifestation of his disability. If they skipped that step, that’s worth flagging with a special education advocate.
• When you withdraw to homeschool, the IEP ceases. Once you formally unenroll and enroll in a homeschool, the IEP is no longer in effect. However, depending on your state, you may still be able to access some district services — worth checking with your local district.

Step One Before Anything Else: Deschooling

The general guidance in the homeschooling world is one month of deschooling for every year your child was in school. For PDA kids, I’d argue it’s even more important — and potentially longer.

Here’s why: your child has spent months or years in an environment that registered as a threat. Their nervous system has been in a state of chronic activation just from getting up and going to school every day. That doesn’t evaporate when the school year ends or when you pull them out. It takes time — real, unstructured, unpressured time — for the nervous system to learn that learning is not dangerous.

What deschooling looks like in practice:

• No formal curriculum. No worksheets. No scheduled learning time.
• Following your child’s interests wherever they lead, however “unproductive” they look
• A lot of screens, probably. Let it happen. Screens after a school exit are often decompression, not decay.
• Outside time, physical play, creative projects — on their timeline
• You resisting the urge to “sneak in” learning. They will feel it and it will backfire.

The hardest part of deschooling is not your child. It’s you. The part of your brain that has been told for years that academic progress is the measure of a good parent. Give yourself permission to let that go, at least for a season.

Why “School at Home” Doesn’t Work for PDA Kids

The biggest mistake parents make when they pull a PDA kid out of school is trying to recreate school at home. Set schedule. Designated subjects. Sit down at 9am. Get through the curriculum.

This fails for the same reason school failed. The demand load is the same. The structure is the same. The only thing that changed is the building.

If your child’s nervous system responds to perceived demands by shutting down or exploding — a 9am math lesson at the kitchen table is still a demand. The cozy blanket and the absence of a bell doesn’t change the fundamental trigger.

What PDA kids need from their learning environment is what they need from every environment: reduced demands, genuine autonomy, collaboration over direction, and intrinsic motivation over compliance. Which is why, when you start looking at alternative education philosophies, one name comes up again and again.

Why Montessori Aligns So Well With PDA

Read that list back through a PDA lens. Child-led. No external reward systems. Adult as observer, not director. Freedom of movement. Intrinsic motivation.

This is essentially the opposite of how traditional schools operate. And it’s almost exactly what PDA kids need to be able to learn without their nervous system treating learning as a threat.

Montessori at home doesn’t require buying an entire curriculum or becoming a trained Montessori teacher. At its core, it looks like: preparing an environment with interesting materials your child can access freely, stepping back as much as possible, and trusting that given the right conditions, your child will learn. Because they will. Curiosity is innate. We don’t teach children to be curious — we just stop crushing it out of them.

Self-Directed Education: Going Even Further

If Montessori is child-led learning within a prepared structure, self-directed education (sometimes called unschooling) removes even more of the imposed structure. The child’s interests and questions entirely drive what gets explored and when.

For PDA kids, the research and parent experience is consistent: unschooling and self-directed learning have among the highest success rates of any approach. The reason is simple — when nothing is a demand, there is nothing to avoid. Learning happens because it’s interesting, not because it’s required.

Is this harder to measure? Yes. Does it look like anything you were told education was supposed to look like? No. Does it work? For many PDA kids — better than anything else.

What a Low-Demand Learning Day Actually Looks Like

I want to give you a real picture of this, not an Instagram version. A low-demand homeschool day for a PDA kid is not a beautiful flat lay of Montessori materials on a wooden shelf. It’s messier and more alive than that.

• No fixed start time. Mornings are low demand. Nobody has to be dressed. Nobody has to be anywhere. The day starts when it starts.
• Interest-following first. What does he want to do right now? That’s the day. Maybe it’s Minecraft. Maybe it’s asking questions about dinosaurs. Maybe it’s building something out of cardboard for two hours. All of that is learning.
• You offer, you don’t require. “I’m going to do some reading in the kitchen if you want to come hang out.” “I found something cool about volcanoes — want to see it?” “I need to run an errand — want to come?” He comes when he wants to. That’s enough.
• Document as you go. Keep a loose record of what he’s doing and learning — not for him, for you and any legal record-keeping requirements in your state. You will be surprised how much is happening.
• Some days nothing “educational” happens. That’s okay. His nervous system is still recovering. Recovery is not nothing.

Curriculum Options That Work With PDA Profiles

If you want some structure — or if your state has documentation requirements — here are approaches that tend to work well for PDA kids:

• Elemental Science / unit studies — topic-based, can follow the child’s interests, minimal direct instruction
• Brave Writer — a writing/language arts approach built around living books and real conversation, not worksheets
• Khan Academy (self-paced, no pressure) — math and science that the child can move through entirely on their own timeline
• Living math / living books approach — math through real-world contexts and stories rather than drill
• Project-based learning — child picks a big question or project, learning happens in service of it
• Nothing formal yet — genuinely valid, especially in the first year

Finding Your People

Homeschooling a PDA kid in isolation is hard. Finding even one other family who gets it — who doesn’t look at your kid’s screen-heavy, structure-free day and offer unsolicited opinions — changes everything.

Places to look: secular homeschool co-ops, self-directed learning networks like the Alliance for Self-Directed Education, PDA North America’s community resources, and honestly, neurodivergent homeschool groups on Facebook where the “we don’t do school at home” ethos is more common.

You don’t need a lot of people. You need a few who won’t make you feel like you’re ruining your kid by letting him follow his interests instead of filling in a worksheet.

Frequently Asked Questions

Can I homeschool my child after the school exits him from his IEP?

Yes. There is no legal barrier to homeschooling a child with an IEP or after a school removes IEP services. Once you formally withdraw and enroll in a homeschool, the IEP ceases. You can also look into whether your state allows homeschooled students to access some district special education services even after withdrawal.

What is deschooling and how long does it take for a PDA child?

Deschooling is the period of decompression after leaving formal school, during which a child lets go of the stress associations built up around learning. The general guideline is one month per year in school, but for PDA children who have experienced chronic school-based anxiety, it often takes longer. Signs that deschooling is complete include spontaneous curiosity, reduced anxiety around learning topics, and engagement with self-directed activities without meltdowns.

Is Montessori homeschooling good for PDA kids?

Yes. Montessori’s core principles — child-led learning, no external reward systems, freedom of movement, and adult as observer rather than director — align closely with what PDA kids need to access learning without triggering demand avoidance. Montessori at home does not require a full curriculum purchase; the philosophy can be applied through prepared environments and stepping back from directing.

What is self-directed education and why does it work for PDA?

Self-directed education (also called unschooling) is an approach in which the child’s interests and questions entirely drive what is learned and when. It works particularly well for PDA children because when nothing is a demand, there is nothing to avoid — learning becomes intrinsically motivated rather than compliance-based. Studies and parent reports consistently show high engagement and learning outcomes in PDA children following self-directed approaches.

How do I know if my PDA child is learning if we aren’t doing formal schoolwork?

Keep a loose log of activities, conversations, projects, and interests. You will likely find more learning happening than you expected. PDA children often learn deeply when following genuine interests — the math in their Minecraft world, the history behind their favorite video game, the reading that happened because they wanted to know more about something they love. Learning looks different than worksheets, but it is still learning.

Keep reading: What Is PDA Parenting? An Honest Guide for ADHD Moms, How to Advocate for Your PDA Child at an IEP Meeting, and Why My PDA Kid Won’t Eat (And What Finally Helped).